Popular? Not..

I was completing an assignment today for Positive Psychology and this is how the introduction started.

“For the past semesters, my approach to happiness was just to take it as it comes and not to create one when there aren’t any. I have learned to accept situation as it is and not make much sense of it. That way, it will not bother and affect me more than it should.  Not thinking about much can help me focus to more important things.  This semester however, I find more importance in improving my grades and also on social relationships.  After taking positive psychology class, I’ve learned to be more aware of my feelings and others and spend more time getting to know people and learn to open up.  However, the more open I get, I realized again the more trouble I’m getting into. For example, situations and excuses I’ve always used to avoid confronting others have become more prominent and clear.”

Although opening up is good, I find it comes with consequences.  The more attention I paid to my feelings, the more I express myself, the more time I spent into exploring them, the easier the pain are felt.  I’ve always been able to avoid awkward situations when they come: just walk away…. It always works, I don’t feel bad, and they won’t notice anyways… I’ve never had to stand there thinking whether I should or should not go. Never had to feel like people should notice and want to ask me if I want to join them to the party or not.  Even when….   
 I’ve never felt like crying like I did last week.  I feel so pathetic…  I don’t like to feel like this… I want to feel better.  But.. Is better means not feeling at all? I Supposed that would be better. Not like I don’t empathize, I do. I can just control everything better when I’m colder.

I know how I’ve handled situations are wrong, I know I’m not any happier then than now.. Now I can make friends better. But I can’t control my emotions as well as I could have. And this annoys me.. It’s frustrating when I cried so easily watching sad movie (not like it’s very very sad, by my eyes started to water..). I feel like the friendlier I get, I easier I feel the loneliness. Is not having friends better than having friends but not have them around?

I was told that I’m popular? But it’s pathetic isn’t it? To not have friends around? How then is that popular?