Seeing is Believing

There are various things on the streets of KL that goes unnoticed by most. We know it is there, that it exists but seeing it with your own eyes makes it all different.

I've never seen a real person sleeping under a bridge before; with a camp, some decent clothings and a mirror hanging on the side of the pillar.

I've never seen a real person jamming on a broomstick before. I do not want to call this fella crazy. Maybe he was sweeping the street of KL whilst enjoying the music from his headphones. You never know. He is happy.

I've never seen people cleaning the street of KL before. Going around the roadside sweeping leaves and rubbish and loading bags of them on the jeep.

We know these exist but has we acknowledge it?
Have we ever stop to think how fortunate we are to be living in a house?
To have more than what another person has?
To not have to spend the night sweeping the streets and clearing the rubbishes before the traffic starts in the morning?

I truly believe these are the things happening around us. And now that I've seen them with my own eyes. I learnt to appreciate things even more.

Annoyingly complicated

Being a good person is hard.
Helping another to be a good person is harder....

Ok!! Since I already in this situation, might as well work it through all the way.

First, convince them to let me take charge.
Second, make sure I found a job, he found a job.
Third, make sure we don't mess up.
Lastly, be convincing and survive well on our own!!

Don't care if u don't like. Don't care if u angry at me. Don't care if u scold.

I will work towards it. I will make this my goal!!!

I'm jealous

I swear I am trying not to make it obvious and trying not to feel jealous but I do...

Don't really know how to explain in well. Just that I will always ask the unrequired questions and then not liking the answer...

Much better if I don't ask next time...
It's no one's wrong. On the other hand, you can't control
Jealousy right? Just have to deal with it..
I will deal with it..

A moment of Reflection

Death is but a moment of Lost.
It should not be feared.

The process of death is more fearful.
The Pain and Sorrow won't go away even when we wish it be.

That is even more fearful.
Most when it isn't in our control...

When I reflect back to yesterday's experience, I cannot say I have gained a lot of insight on what I need to do in the future.But I learnt like the others in the room What the future need.What has to be and need to be done...

FEAR

Ack!!! I fear. Really. That moment there. I was worried, and disturbed. He call and he texted. Asking a stupid question. As if he didn't know exam is tomoro, he asked how was exam?? Either he did it on purpose to disturb me, or he is just plain dumb...

Change

They always say time changes things, but YOU actually have to change them yourself

-Andy Warhol-

That's if you want to make the change, if you have the will and would take the initiative to change.
Having the motivation and will to change instead of just saying wanting to change.

If situation won't change, then you will have to change. After many many times already, I think I will have to change since things won't.

Say bye to friendly and mercy. Say hello to cool and firm.

Why do We Post on Facebook?

1.       To get attention we don’t get in real life.

(But if we aren’t getting any in real life, most probably we won’t get it in FB either…)

2.       To say things we don’t dare to say to people in real.

(If not dare to say to person, means not dare to put names. So, what is the point when it makes no difference?)

3.       To complain about things to the world/network of friends

(Complains without actions does not change the situation)

4.       To express our Emotion to everyone hoping we can get some sort of replies.

(Typical attention seeking behavior. Looking for others sympathy. Can only be encouraging an unhealthy behavior… )

5.       To speak our mind; about things can’t be said to one particular person.

(So, we chose to say to the world in general. If the person chose not to read or did not come across the message?)

6.       To share to others our favorite videos

7.       To tell others how pretty we are in pictures

8.       To stalk on people we are interested in.

I’ve suddenly see no need to post on Facebook.  However, it does has it’s other uses.. Like checking group updates, connecting with people not near to me and stalking others behaviors.

Self-Reflection

Wow~~ IF the blog’s content reflects the writer of the Blog, then people will be viewing me as a very negative person. In some ways, I guess I am. But I can be cheerful too~~ Only on some occasions where I have friends around me... Certainly you won’t smile to yourself right?

On the other hand, Blogging is like a self-reflection. The more you write, the easier it is to continue writing.  The ideas keep flowing and they won’t stop.  Your subconscious desires and what you want to say will eventually come out!! Could that be the real you?!?!?

Then, I should post more negative things as well, not only negative emotions~~

Today's Catch~~

After much negative, sad and stressful post, Lets balance out the blog with some positivity.

Not because today my day is filled with positivity, but because I would like to end my day with as much positive energy as possible.

Today:

            I.       I woke up late but it’s good cause I got extra half an hour of sleep.

          II.       I am more productive than other days. I actually feel like I accomplished something.

        III.       I have lunch with more than 2 people. We chatted. Food was alright but Lunch was Great.

       IV.       I wrote about my aims and dreams for my future career. I am proud of my dreams. Whether I can do it is not of concern right now. Right now, I have a dream!!

         V.       I was told I am a good and nice person. Some could not accept me because they don’t know me.

       VI.       I found more people who are able to accept me as I am. I did not wonder if they are just being nice or what. I just accept what I get.

     VII.       I pour out and share out some personal feelings. It was not easy but it felt good in the end because it was taken well.

   VIII.       I found an extra strength in myself.

I think I am lucky. So lucky I didn’t know it. So many others are suffering from whatever they are suffering from. But I am lucky because I have taken the first step to improving my well-being. J

Argghhhh~~~~

I.W, I think  you are right. I am stress~~ Must not be obvious to me but to you, I am..

I can feel it now... I feel helpless and not able to finish this assignment. I am right now not motivated at all to write it. I feel useless and that the assignment does not depict what he wanted at all... If I were to write it as what he wanted, then I would exceed the word count badly! REAL BADLY....

If I don't use enough articles, I feel that it is insufficient.... Stressed~~~
and then have to think about how to handle the s*****.
Next will be another presentation and few more assignments. Not to mention the incomplete Thesis work...

OMG!! thinking about it does not help!! Not at all!!

Panicking but I can't show it because someone is relying on me to keep herself calm. I can't show to her I am panicking and stressed about this....

Oh! Heavy heart@

Let go!!

Wow~~ I think I achieved a lot today. You might be thinking what or how?

Today isn't very significant. But to me it is significant.
Today, I let go a lot of things.

• I can let go n step down of SA and officially take the role of advisor instead. 
• I can let go and handle well about people leaving early. Although it is a little disappointing but there isn't anything I can do about it. It is their choice. 
• I can let go n not feel sorry about it. 

Before this I feel and thought if she promise, then she will do. If she don't, I feel bad n annoyed. Now, I can accept it when it happens and tell her n myself that:
         "If she don't go, I feel bad, she feel bad. If she goes, she feel bad, I feel bad too... "
So, either way is the same. Just go, and have fun. At least the negative feeling she will feel is less. and on my part, I can forgive easily.

Even when I know and realize that people are taking advantage of that. Plus, she won't hate me or feel I'm clingy... Cause she can still have fun and other friends apart from me. :)
:( now I sound lesbian..

Does all good friends feel like this with each other? Hm... @,@"

Facebook

Faint* Tell me, is there a need to educate your parents how to properly use the FB? Then, give them chance to play around and make frequent visits to our page... Oh dilemma....

I need help!

Some say I have good analytical mind.  That is supposed to be a good thing.  However, it comes with consequences:

1)     I worry a lot.

2)     I am concern about others too much..

Yes, I accept. If I am concern, mean I care. But there must be a limit?

3)     Fourth, I don't think I know myself well enough to really help others.

I need to 101% accept myself so I can 100% accept others. I need to know myself inside out and know if I am facing issues before I can honestly say I can help others effectively.

To know others, First, I need to know myself.

Faking a Smile is Tiring

Up until now, I think I am coping. Not very well to be honest but coping.

I really hope the past problem is not arising to torture me again....

Thats because I feel guilty and bad again. I wonder again why I am feeling the way I am feeling earlier today. It really is just a Trivial thing. But I reacted emotionally. I got caught but I deny it. Reason? Because telling the truth will hurt, telling the truth will somehow effect everyone's thoughts and concentration.

My thoughts? I rather suffer alone than others suffer because of me and my inability to control my temper and emotions.

So, I went running. I ran, and I ran, and I ran. Until I feel better to come back to Uni and continue the pathetic assignments that claimed to be training and providing skills for our future... Ironic. I don't think I need to know so much about it rather it's therapy which is far off from what I am writing....

I do feel better now and able to face more challenges thrown my way (not that I want any right now~) with a smile on my face.  Ultimately, I want to be able to frown and feel angry without having to feel guilty. Why do I feel guilty of those feelings? It should be natural right? Well~ its wrong timing.. I have no one to blame but myself..

Lowering myself and Lying to others and even myself so others would feel good or fine. But within myself, who knows if I am suffering? Do I; Myself even know if I am suffering?
I should ask myself these question:

o "What do I really want?"

o "If helping people is fulfilling, why do I feel like nobody after helping people?"

o "Is it appreciation that I'm seeking?"

o "So, is appreciation that important?"

I have always found passion in what I do. When I found that passion, I tend to put in all my effort and work towards it. When it's complete, I feel so much satisfaction. But lately, those satisfactions aren’t there. In place, more worry of my performance and disbelief that I can actually do so well (even after receiving compliments).

Moreover, even after so much effort has been put into a project I proposed. I am willing to let the whole thing go and throw the proposal into rubbish bin because I am that annoyed and tired of it~~

Putting on a Smile is Tiring, Lying is Tiring. I have to remind myself to put myself first sometimes...

Why do we live?

It's a very common question: Why do we live in this world? What is our purpose in living? Other than fulfilling goals? Cause we make the goals ourself, why we make goals n purpose for ourself? What is the ultimate goal? I guess is to face n work out the challenges life throw at us.

The challenges gets harder n harder everyday, every year. Onces we go through one and facing a new one, the old one seem trivial n not as hard and important. Are these to prepare for future harder challenges? Self improvement? Learning? Maturity? But we going to die off one day anyway.... What is the point of having all that? Is there really an after life? Then what for we need the skills n knowledge we obtained from this life if we are going to be reborn as a blank slate?
Tabula rassa as what the behaviorist calls them. Or maybe like some other psychologists, we are born with prior knowledge because our soul from life before brought along knowledge from prior life?

What do I do?

I am crying again. Maybe at some point, I will think its not worth it to cry for you. But it's frustrating that I can't express everything out worrying you might hide deeper.

You aren't contacting any of us, we don't know how you are, what you are doing, where you are staying and even what you want.

Have you changed? How much have you changed and why? Have we not treat you well?

You know you can call us anytime. Ask us for help anytime, and tell anything. But why are you losing your contact like this?

Hiding away so we can't find u? Do u wnt to go missing and not see us again? What do you wnt?

What have we done to you that you have to do this to us?

I love u! Don't do this to us. Contact us please and come back. Don't go too far that you might even lose yourself. Find your way back to us please!!

I've always treated you more than a cousin, just like a brother to me. I don't save when I spend for u, I wholeheartedly wnt to help u.

We all do. So, don't ignore us and contact us..

Is he fine or not?

I keep having the feeling that he isn't fine but from his mouth he says he is fine. Should I have asked more? Why didn't I asked more?

Really feel uneasy. Would like to see him for myself to make sure he is ok but possible?

I wonder if he really fine or he's just merely saying he is fine?

Unneeded Help.... Or Help Needed??

I've always been independent in doing things on my own. 

I'm willing to help others till the end but not willing to ask for help if I can do it myself.

But in the end, I'm the one getting tired, off track than what I should be doing at this point of time etc.

I don't think I can do it better or faster on my own. 

I just am willing to do it on my own if I am able to finish it.

Why bother others when you can do it on your own?

Even then, when decorating the booth, I wished someone was helping me.

It's really my own problem why I would think it will be a bother for others to help even when they've offered.

And I did take all these on, on my own.

In the end, I don't have regret or anything, only disappointment that I still have issues I need to deal with within myself....