Faking a Smile is Tiring

Up until now, I think I am coping. Not very well to be honest but coping.

I really hope the past problem is not arising to torture me again....

Thats because I feel guilty and bad again. I wonder again why I am feeling the way I am feeling earlier today. It really is just a Trivial thing. But I reacted emotionally. I got caught but I deny it. Reason? Because telling the truth will hurt, telling the truth will somehow effect everyone's thoughts and concentration.

My thoughts? I rather suffer alone than others suffer because of me and my inability to control my temper and emotions.

So, I went running. I ran, and I ran, and I ran. Until I feel better to come back to Uni and continue the pathetic assignments that claimed to be training and providing skills for our future... Ironic. I don't think I need to know so much about it rather it's therapy which is far off from what I am writing....

I do feel better now and able to face more challenges thrown my way (not that I want any right now~) with a smile on my face.  Ultimately, I want to be able to frown and feel angry without having to feel guilty. Why do I feel guilty of those feelings? It should be natural right? Well~ its wrong timing.. I have no one to blame but myself..

Lowering myself and Lying to others and even myself so others would feel good or fine. But within myself, who knows if I am suffering? Do I; Myself even know if I am suffering?
I should ask myself these question:

o "What do I really want?"

o "If helping people is fulfilling, why do I feel like nobody after helping people?"

o "Is it appreciation that I'm seeking?"

o "So, is appreciation that important?"

I have always found passion in what I do. When I found that passion, I tend to put in all my effort and work towards it. When it's complete, I feel so much satisfaction. But lately, those satisfactions aren’t there. In place, more worry of my performance and disbelief that I can actually do so well (even after receiving compliments).

Moreover, even after so much effort has been put into a project I proposed. I am willing to let the whole thing go and throw the proposal into rubbish bin because I am that annoyed and tired of it~~

Putting on a Smile is Tiring, Lying is Tiring. I have to remind myself to put myself first sometimes...